Mon, 05 May 2008 19:23:26 GMT

I cannot deal with this stress. I can't do it.
I can't deal with this shit.
I don't want to grow up.
I hate this. I hate growing up.
I hate having to be responsible.
I hate everyone bitching at you.
I hate all the pressure.
I hate that there's not enough time, ever.
And when you finally get free time, it goes too fast.
I hate this. I hate it.
I don't want to grow up.

The only thing going good is my girlfriend.
Whom is amazing.
and caring and there for me.
And I have to leave for college in a few months.
And she has to stay here.
Great, the one good thing in my life is going to be 2 1/2 hours away and I'm never going to get to see her.
And I'll have more stress than ever.
And my car will most likely be too shitty or gas thirsty to drive down that often.
And she doesn't get her license for like another year, and she probably won't even then because she's scared to drive.
And I'll never see her when I need her the most.
Fuck this. Fuck this. FUCK THIS.

I hate this I just want to be a fucking kid again.

What the fuck.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 03:47:02 GMT

I hate girls. I fucking hate them. This is bullshit.

Ok, I take that back. I'm just pissed. And disappointed.

Obviously there has to be something wrong with me.
I swear to fuck god. There has to be.

Every girl. I swear like every fucking girl says the same thing.
"I like the way you make me feel.
I like the way you treat me.
I like the things you do for me.
I love the sex.
It's just...it's not right."

So it's me. Me.
I'm always the friend.
That's the problem.

I come across as either overly cocky, or insecure and desperate.

Honesty time:
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know how to get a girl.
I don't know how many relationships I have gone through,
how many girls I have picked up.
I still don't know how to get a girl.

It was luck before, I'm pretty sure.
I don't know how to play it off cool.
It's not that I'm desperate for a relationship.
It's more that I want to kiss them, but not in an asshole "I'm just using them" way.
It's just like a "wow they're super attractive and I want them" thing.
But I don't want to give off the vibe that I could just be trying to get into their pants. Because I'm not.
So I try to show that it's not, and I do it wrong.
And it gets all fucked up.

What I want is someone I can be chill with and just be friends with, and get to know them better
but still be able to once in awhile take them out somewhere and maybe mess around.
Like dating, but even more lax.
Not because of the want to fuck around with anyone else.
More because of the pressures of being in a relationship and the higher risk of getting hurt or hurting someone.
And I really can't take being hurt or hurting someone again.
But my whole not knowing how to give off the vibe I want to or whatever ends up getting me hurt more.

And it's not fear, it's confusion.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
It's that I don't know the person well enough to know how to act.
Not saying I change for people, but you know...just which side of me best clicks with them.
And I don't know them well enough to know how to read them,
or tell what they're thinking or feeling enough to make a move.

I mean it's a fear of rejection, yeah, but it's not just that.
I wasn't so shy, and I made a move on this girl and she went with it,
but I guess she wasn't really into it and she told people I forced her into it.
And I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever do that to anyone.
I don't want to make people uncomfortable or feel like they're being forced into anything.
I mean, I've been in that situation, and I would never ever want to make anyone feel like that.

So yeah it is fear, I guess.
Fear of overstepping my boundaries
and making someone uncomfortable enough to feel pressured into something or whatever.

I just need a chill girl
who'll roll with the punches and take it easy.
Let things fall where they may,
but still assertive enough that she'll say what she wants
and if she wants something, she'll get it,
or at least imply it.
But not in a completely bitchy controlling way.

And maybe I'm just not attractive.
Or just "cute" and not "hot" so I fail.
I don't know.
All I know is that I want to feel not-so-lonely.
I want someone there.
Someone that'll hold my hand,
let me take them out.

And maybe I am desperate.
But it's not needy desperate.
Actually, it's not even desperate,
it just seems that way.
It's that I feel so lonely,
and then finally there's a chance,
someone I kind of click with.
And I get so excited,
so happy that it's going good with someone,
even if it's just connecting.
And I get happy,
but nervous because I know that chances are it won't work out.
That's just the way it is.
I mean, I know it might,
but I know it most likely won't.
So I try to remember that and not get my hopes up,
but the aching in me goes away when I get that excited first connection,
or first few good dates,
and it's so relieving,
and not only that but I'm just so happy that it's working out
and the excitement is taken the wrong way.
As desperation. But it's not.
It's just happiness.

And I drive them away. Always.
God, I can't wait until the day I meet that girl
that understands all of this,
that it works with.
That's patient with me sometimes,
and snaps me out of it when I get too whatever.
And in time when things get serious,
whenever that may be,
she's not too afraid to let me love her.
And I don't know if that day will ever come,
and I don't know if that girl even exists,
but it's the only thing I'll let myself hope for.

It's not like I always expect that it'll turn to love, though.
And it's not that I'm desperate for love. It's just that I love love.
I love the feeling of love. And I know that all this shit we go through in life is worth it when you have love. It's like the quote from When Harry Met Sally, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." It's like that, but I just haven't met that somebody yet.

I do live my life to love. Everything I do, every breath I take, and every effort I make to do good is for love. And if that makes me a fool, then I'm a fool. And if that makes me a big pussy sap, then I hope there's someone out there that will love me because of, or at least in spite of that.

12aeroplanes21

What the fuck.